Light Relief
by Owlbutter
Summary: When Bakura tries to celebrate his and Ryou's birthday, he uses his whole ass.


**_Light Relief (One Night Only)_**

**Author**: Owlbutter  
**Rating**: T or PG-13 to be safe.  
**Pairings**: Bakura/Ryou, with Malik/Marik if you feel like it.  
**Word count**: 1101  
**Disclaimer**: I own neither the characters nor the universe (or sub-universe).  
**Summary**: When Bakura tries to celebrate his and Ryou's birthday, he uses his _whole _ass.

**Author's notes**: A birthday ficlet for the fabulous Tanya Maxwell, whose series Blackout provided much of the inspiration.

* * *

"I'm telling you, it's not going to work!" 

"Shut up! Of course it will; luckily for me, your heads are so empty that I can channel my wisdom straight through you, like a Playstation controller. Now, pass that cord over-"

"I _can't_. And anyway, who was violently stabbed and made you a technology expert?"

"As a matter of fact-"

"Hitting the TV twice with a stick and then forcing Kaiba to fix it doesn't count as fixing it!"

"What would you know! It was actually very complicated and not for morons. Now shut up. _As_ I was saying, once we get the plug down to the electrical socket-"

"When'd you start calling it that?"

"Ryou told me what it was the other day."

"I like 'magical wall hole' better."

"Yeah, me too."

"You also like paint with your cereal. Now, for the last time, _shut_ your mouth or I'll rip your teeth out of it."

"Actually, that doesn't sound like such a bad idea ..."

"Don't even think about it! If you get bitten you've obviously done something to deserve it!"

"But Malik-"

"No!"

"It'd be so convenient-"

"NO!"

"KNOCK IT OFF! BOTH OF YOU DO AS I SAY OR I'LL CUT YOUR LEGS OFF AND SET THE LADDER ON FIRE, AND YOU'LL BE STUCK UP HERE!"

"Come and try it, then!"

"Yeah, good luck, Marik knocked the ladder down ages ago."

"What!"

"Ahahahahaha, you're stuck with us now!"

"We'll see about that! Maybe if you're good I'll put the ladder back up once I- _wha_- AHHHHHHH!"

"Ha. He doesn't look so cocky now."

"Doesn't look like he's going to get us down any time soon, either."

"Hmm ..."

"... Marik?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think if we jump from here we can land in the neighbour's pool?"

"... can't hurt to try."

---

As he walked towards his front door Ryou had a feeling, thick and uncomfortably warm at the back of his mind. It was, unfortunately, familiar to him, and today, of all days ...

_Maybe I should just go back to Yugi's._

On the other hand, he couldn't see anything broken. Therefore, whatever was going on inside to make him hesitate, it wasn't one of _those_ times. He should give them the benefit of the doubt, because, unlike their everyday fooling around, the Grand Schemes always involved a smashed window or two.

Briefly bouncing on the balls of his feet just in case he needed to make a speedy escape, Ryou opened the door and stepped inside.

"Guys, I'm ... home."

Well, it wasn't as bad as he'd thought. Judging from the sullen, stubborn faces glaring out of the half-dark, he'd stumbled upon The Aftermath.

Turning the lights on only gave Ryou a slightly clearer picture. "Bakura? What happened to your head?"

Bakura huffed, arms folded. "I fell off the roof."

"I ... see." Ryou then turned to a scowling Marik and Malik. To any normal person they were merely groping each other, but Ryou's exposure to them had given him a sharper sight for injuries and pilfered items (which they both had in abundance; Ryou decided to ignore the latter for the moment). "And you two?"

Marik dabbed at a cut on Malik's shoulder. "Bakura fell off the roof."

"Er - I guess ..." _Do I really want to know?_ Ryou knew not to look at anyone else while thinking this, as their answer would invariably be 'yes', but Bakura was already shuffling towards him.

"Come on! Now you're here we can take a look," he ordered, pulling Ryou by the arm back outside. Bakura's expression indicated that he felt he'd done something charitable and generous, and told Ryou that he was going to need to have another discussion about differences of opinion (and perhaps stealing, other people's pets and treatment thereof, public indecency, threatening the mayor, or a combination of all). The others followed, visibly cheered by whatever Ryou was about to see.

Bakura guided Ryou to the front lawn, his fingers thrumming against Ryou's arm the only outward sign of his enthusiasm. "Okay, turn it on!"

There was a short scuffle in the doorway, and then Marik and Malik were racing towards them. "Look! Look! Do you see it?"

"Ahh." Ryou tried not to look confused. "It's really great."

"We were going to change it so it said 'Happy Birthday'," Bakura was saying. "We smashed some of the useless lights, but then _some people_ smashed too many, but we saved one of the Rs!"

"Your name starts with R!" Malik piped up helpfully. Marik appeared to be entranced by the blinking of the sole remaining letter. Ryou followed the trail of twisted wires down with his eyes, in case one had 'accidentally' been sliced, and there was another electrocution hazard to be added to the list.

"So it does. How, uh, resourceful." Bakura was now watching him, awaiting praise (and possibly chocolate, but Ryou had learnt not to keep food in his pockets after the first five gropings). Ryou leant over and gave him a peck on the cheek, and Bakura immediately began to look smug.

"I've got something else, too. Something really good." From _somewhere_ on his person Bakura procured a small locked box, shiny with gold leaf. Even Marik was drawn from the somewhat flashy display on their roof to watch hungrily as Bakura tossed the box casually in one hand.

"Ah ha!"

Before Ryou could blink Malik was standing down by the mailbox, shaking the thing curiously as Marik searched for a heavy rock. Just as casually as before Bakura strode empty-handed back towards the house, beckoning Ryou.

"You just let them steal it?"

Bakura stared at him for a moment, and reached for the deadbolt. "When they finally manage to get it open they'll be too tired to break back in. One night with no screaming, and those idiots have to sleep outside too." Now he reached for Ryou, hands coiling into his sweater, and leaned heavily on him.

Ryou fingered the bandage hanging low over Bakura's eye. "Do you want to go to bed early tonight?"

"I'm awake, I'm awake," Bakura mumbled into Ryou's shoulder. "And besides," he grinned, starting to walk them clumsily towards the kitchen without letting go, "I found these things in the first aid kit that looked useful ..."

When Bakura began winding something around Ryou's wrist he wondered whether he should try and resist, but quickly gave up. Indistinct sounds of discussion could still be heard from outside. Bakura had a truly brilliant idea so rarely (not that he'd agree with you) that Ryou resolved to take full advantage of it, even if it took them all night.

The End


End file.
